A month ago I promised you an MST. I was lying at the time but having written one it seems wrong not to post it. Going to all the trouble of formatting is a huge bitch but, as the title says, I love you guys. Truth be told I actually love attention but I know where my supply of attention comes from and it isn't actual humans.
The depraved little tale we're delving into today is a work by one of my favorite badfic authors. On The Pit of Voles there dwells a particularly voleish little beast who goes by the nom de plume 'Black Gargie'. She has both entertained me and scarred me horribly allowing me to know how a victim of The Joker feels. This particular story is in the Harry Potter fandom (yeah, we're there now) and has graphic scenes that should not be read by anyone. If you're squeamish go and read about Ducky rape (yup, yup, yup!) because this is far worse. This, my friends, is the world of M-Preg.
There is a grey misty featureless plain. Nymphadora Tonks, and Remus Lupin stand looking around in bafflement. A table slowly takes shape with Sirius Black sitting miserably at the head, there are four empty seats. At every setting there is a small stack of stapled papers.
Tonks: This is new.
Lupin: Where are we?
Sirius: You’re in purgatory, mate.
Lupin: (hugs Sirius) Sirius! This is terrific!
Sirius: Well, it beats hell anyway. I mean, I would have preferred heaven but...
Lupin: (sits) No, I mean that you’re alive... Oh, wait this means I’m dead then, doesn’t it?
Tonks: (sitting next to Lupin) You really are a brilliant man, Remus. It’s why I love you so much.
Snape: (skulks off into the mist unnoticed)
Sirius: Well, we may as well get started. We’ve got a lot of time to kill and I don’t think time passes unless we’re working.
Remus: Working on what?
Tonks: Purgatory things, I expect.
Sirius: To work off our earthly sins we have to read bad!fic. Frankly, I’m just glad Dobby’s not here anymore.
Remus: The house elf?
Sirius: Yeah, that one. He apparently didn’t have much in the way of sins to be worked off. That, or someone decided to give me a break and postpone the fic reading until you guys showed up.
Tonks: I have no idea what you’re talking about. None at all.
Sirius: It’s like mini-hell, or heaven’s waiting room if you’re an optimist.
Tonks: Thanks Sirius, I know what purgatory is. What’s this fic stuff you keep rattling on about?
Sirius: Something that makes me long for my leisurely days at Azkaban. The best way to understand is to just read it.
A/N: I just came up with this wild crazy idea and thought that I might wanna put this up.
Tonks: What’s the ay slash en thing there?
Sirius: Author’s note. You don’t know it yet but you hate this girl.
I’ve never written something like this before, so bear with me. Well, -takes deep breath- here goes!
Disclaimer: If I own Snape, I’d shag him all I want. But I don’t. TT
Remus: Snape!? As in Severus Snape?
Sirius: That, sir, is correct. This is going to be the most traumatic experience of your… well, not your life since you’re bereft of the aforementioned. Still, it will burn and it will sting.
Tonks: What about the tee tee bit? What’s that about?
Sirius: It’s intended to affect a pair of closed eyes with tears streaming down them. If they are to be believed then the author girl is so sad that she’s not screwing that greasy traitorous git that she weeps.
BABIES ARE FOR KEEPS
Sirius: Oh, Jesus H. Christ, that’s ominous.
Severus woke up with a weird feeling inside him. Something didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like the usual kicks and brushes from time to time.
Tonks: Kicks and… Like with a baby?
Sirius: I expect so.
Remus: But he’s… a he. Also, why is someone writing about him?
Sirius: They write about all of us. You, me, James, Harry, Harry’s friends. I’ve read some things about Dumbledore I would have been better off not reading. Why they do it, I don’t know.
Remus: Do they write about famous people? Like, um, Merlin?
Sirius: Oddly no. Closest I’ve ever seen to famous was the Hogwarts founders.
This was different. It was coming every 15 minutes or so and it hurt every time he moved.
Severus shuddered as the unthinkable crossed his mind.
He was going into labour.
Everyone: Ahh!
Remus: B-But why?
Sirius: Because she’s evil. The author girl is Satan incarnate.
Tonks: I have this theory, about the tee tee bit before. It’s not weeping eyes, it’s someone who has gouged out their eyes. Reading this will make you do that.
He knew he had to get help right now.
Remus: Because if you are male and find yourself pregnant then medical help is bloody important.
Sirius: Don’t forget lifelong virgin.
Tonks: Wow, high school much?
There was no time to lose. If he held back, there would be dire consequences, and on of them would be serious pain.
Remus: Are you sure we didn’t go to hell? This feels like hell.
Sirius: Nah, can’t be hell. James wasn’t waiting for me.
Remus: (disapproving silence)
Sirius: Still too soon? Damn.
Yet he didn’t want to get up. He didn’t know why but he didn’t wish to call anyone for help.
Tonks: Probably because it’s bloody embarrassing.
Sirius: Is it perverse to wish that Snape was here now?
Remus: Yes. You’re a sick man.
He didn’t want people to see him in his most vulnerable self. Even asking help from Madame Pomfrey was out of the question. He’ll do this on his own. Delivering babies shouldn’t be too hard now, should it?
Tonks: (hysterical laughter)
Sirius: (interested) She get knocked up?
Remus: You’re so tactful, you know that? Yes. She did. With my son since she is my wife.
Sirius: (claps him on the back) Good on you, mate! You bagged my little cousin. We’re in-laws now, you cradlerobber!
Tonks: (deadpan) You are tactful.
Obviously his pride got the better of him.
Snape: (turns up out of the mist) Well, that got me nowhere.
Sirius: (is startled) Where did you come from?
Tonks: Ahh! We are in hell!
Snape: (glowers) I’ve been here for a while now. No matter how long I walk in a straight line I end up back here. It’s… unpleasant.
Remus: (looks attack ready)
Sirius: Don’t even bother trying to fight, it can’t be done. Do you have any idea how many times I tried to strangle Dobby?
Remus: Shouldn’t you be in hell suffering horribly?
Snape: (glares)
Sirius: (suddenly remembers the fic) So, how about you pull up a chair and read with us? It’s what we do here. It’s a terrific little vignette we have today. You’ll just adore it, I’m sure.
Snape: (sits) It looks as if I have little choice.
He got up slowly and tried to walk around, taking long deep breaths.
Snape: (has caught up reading and is ashen) What is this?
Sirius: (sniggers) Well, I personally call it hilarious. You may have a differing opinion.
Snape: (swears quietly)
Somehow, it helped. The pain slightly diminished, but it was still there. He paced slowly from one end of the room to the other. He cursed the name of the person who got him into this situation. He cursed the person who gave him this body that allowed this situation to happen.
Snape: Please let that cursing be a literal thing.
Tonks: I’m pretty sure it’s just talking about swearing.
Snape: Damn.
Tonks: Like you did right there, swearing at the person who wrote these horrible things. I guess the characterization is pretty spot on.
Snape: (is fighting the urge to strangle Tonks)
As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he caught sight of the couch opposite his bed. He ran his fingers on the cushion and let out a sigh. The old feeling was still there.
Remus: It still felt like a cushion. What were the odds?
The same old feeling that seemed like it had happened just yesterday. How could he not forget it?
Sirius: By remembering it, I imagine. That’s the usual way of not forgetting.
He doubled over when the sudden gush began to wet his night pants.
Everyone: (shudders in horror)
Snape: This is hell.
Sirius: If this were hell you’d be fifteen and reading this.
Snape: Close enough.
________________________________________
Severus was sitting at his desk in his private quarters, making himself a drink. Sirius’ death hasn’t quite dissipated from his mind.
Sirius: Oh, a flashback and you’re thinking about me. Isn’t that sweet?
Snape: If my hatred for you were to manifest then you would be covered in bees right now. Thousands of them.
Remus: As much as I enjoy the sniping and bitching it’s getting old.
His archenemy, his foe, his pet hate had finally disappeared, just as he wished back in his younger school years that he would. But somehow, it didn’t make him feel better that he’s dead.
Snape: What?! Of course it made me feel better. Well, it did at the time, but now I think I would have preferred he lived a longer life.
Sirius: (not getting the implications) Aw, I didn’t know you cared.
Remus: On another note. Is it bad that the tense change mid-sentence bothers me more than the fact that I’m reading a story about a pregnant man?
Tonks: (snuggles) No, it just means you’ve finally gone mad.
It didn’t make him feel happy that he was gone out of his life forever. It didn’t. Not one bit.
Tonks: Huh, the writer is being so noncommittal here. Is he happy or isn’t he?
Sirius: Yeah, they really ought to have clarified.
Remus: Also, I can’t keep track of which he is who. Maybe if I focus on the atrocious writing, I’ll be able to ignore the topic.
He was about to take a sip when he heard the door knocking.
Snape: Doors do not knock. They are knocked upon.
Tonks: I don’t know, it is Hogwarts after all.
Snape: (firmly) Doors do not knock.
He looked sideways as he continued to gulp down the hard liquor.
Sirius: This girl is not a heavy drinker, I’d wager.
Who would be visiting him at this god forsaken hour?
Tonks: It’s the door. Pay attention.
Snape: (growing annoyed) Doors do not knock.
Surely it couldn’t be one of the staff now, could it?
Sirius: (singing) A wizard’s staff has a knob on the end!
Remus: (grudgingly singing along) It will never buckle, it will never bend
Even Dumbledore had to retire after that ordeal with the Dark Lord back in the Ministry. One of the students, maybe? Could it be Draco?
Snape: No. It couldn’t.
Sirius: Ah, up for a late night rendezvous?
Snape: Absolutely not.
That Malfoy boy had regarded Severus as a second father after Lucius.
Snape: No, he didn’t.
Sirius: The Malfoy family tree has grown plenty of fruits in the past. Seems probable.
Tonks: Please, you’re being worse than the fic, Siri.
Surely the incident with his father facing a possible life sentence in Azkaban has to have an effect however small to him.
The knocking came again.
Tonks: Persistent door. It must be important.
Snape: Doors. Do. Not. Knock.
Severus lowered his drink and went over to answer it. He was quite taken aback to see The Boy Who Lived standing before him instead.
Remus: Instead of what?
Tonks: Am I the only one paying attention? Instead of the door, of course.
Snape: I despise you.
What was he doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be in the dormitory hanging around with his dear friends Granger and that redhead Weasley?
Snape: Because that’s what my internal monologue sounds like.
Sirius: (mimes penning a letter) Dear friends Granger and that redhead Weasley, How are you doing? I am well…
Severus steeled his face.
Sirius: Should have ironed it.
Tonks: (examines Snape’s face) For the wrinkles?
Sirius: I was thinking a nine iron, but yours is okay too.
“If you’re here for Occlumency, now is not the time.”
“I just…I just came here…to talk.”
Remus: Well, that certainly sounds like the way our Harry talks with Snape.
Sirius: Oh yes, those two get along splendidly.
Snape: Sarcasm, you’re doing it wrong.
Tonks: That’s what she said!
Severus raised an eyebrow. Talk? Just talk? What’s he playing at?
Tonks: (as narrator) Then Harry revealed a quaffle from behind his back. He was playing at Quidditch!
Remus: (snickers)
“Unfortunately, Potter, I’m not in a mood to entertain your long gabs.
Snape: Because I often enjoyed merry chats with Harry Potter! Good God!
Sirius: Yelling at it doesn’t make it go away. I tried that.
I’m in a middle of an important errand.
Remus: What important errands do you do alone, in your room, with alcohol?
Sirius: (continuing the song from before) He cherishes it and calls it his friend/ And he frequently takes it in hand!
Besides, don’t you have Granger and that Weasley dunderhead?”
Tonks: Lots of adjectives applied to Ron’s head here. Redhead, dunderhead, I wonder what’s next? Hardhead? Behead?
Sirius: What about bedhead?
“They’re asleep. They won’t be able to talk.
Tonks: (as Harry) I’ve taken their tongues!
Sirius: You can be strange and upsetting sometimes.
Remus: That’s why I married her.
They won’t be able to help anyway.”
“And I suppose you’re taking out your insomnia problems on me?”
“Please,” Harry said as he laid his hand on the door, nearly touching Severus’ hand that held it.
Remus: Oh god! Analyzing the grammar here just makes it worse!
Snape: Wait… what?
Sirius: I have no idea, but I don’t want to understand.
Remus: No. No you don’t.
“Just humour me. You’re the only one I can think of.”
Severus stared long and hard
Tonks: (giggling) Yeah, I bet he did.
Sirius: Heh, long and hard.
at the boy who had just stepped into his 6th year in Hogwarts.
Sirius: Wait, you can step into years? Did the rest of you know this?
Remus: Yes, we thought it best that you weren’t told. You would have stepped straight into seventh year and skipped the rest of school.
Sirius: I’m very cross about this, Mooney.
Snape: You’re all idiots.
Why would he be looking for him at the dead of the night? Why, of all people, did he come to him for solace? What is it that is really going on in his head?
Sirius: Burning questions that need to be answered.
Remus: Though, if possible, phrased less clumsily.
He let a silent sigh of resignation as he made way for him to enter.
Tonks: How do you silently sigh?
Remus: Oh, you know, the same way you stare blindly, jump motionlessly, or whistle through clenched teeth.
He had to let him in to find out about that. No point guessing and making false conclusions. Besides, he knew that Harry was a hardheaded person.
Tonks: Damn, I was so close! It was hardhead, but it was applied to Harry instead of Ron.
Snape: I’m still holding out for ‘behead’.
Sirius: (under his breath) Decollo.
He wouldn’t leave until he gets what he wants. Harry made his way to the couch and Severus stood in front of him with his drink.
Snape: Yeah, we can drink in front of students and not get fired.
Remus: Somehow I doubt drinking is going to be the worst transgression here.
“Well? What is it you wish to speak to me?”
Tonks: (as Harry) Well, I was planning on speaking words to you. If you’d prefer I could try some bird calls or guttural grunting.
“I…I had a dream,” Harry replied tentatively.
“A dream?” Severus echoed, puzzled. Harry nodded.
Sirius: (as Harry) Sometimes I lose consciousness for several hours and have vivid hallucinations. I call them dreams.
Remus: When you put it that way dreaming is kind of odd.
“A rather unpleasant dream. I dreamt that…well,
Snape: Not that well! A well in your dreams is always a portent of great evil.
Tonks: I’m better at intentionally misinterpreting innocuous phrases than you are.
Sirius was standing at the veil. I saw Bellatrix shot the blast at him
Remus: Shot the blast? Shot the blast?
Snape: Shot the blast.
Sirius: (fondly) I remember the first time I shot the blast.
and he fell back into the veil. I broke free from my battle with whoever it was
Sirius: Ah, the totally unimportant death eater.
Tonks: Expendable mooks must be nice to have. Good guys never have expendable mooks.
and jumped into the veil after him. I was almost near to grabbing him when…”
Sirius: I realize I’m reading about my own death, but this is really funny.
Snape: Exactly as I remember it.
Remus: Ouch.
Harry looked away, his face tense.
Tonks: Past tense?
Remus: Preterit, I’m almost certain.
Sirius: Because grammar jokes are actually funny, nerds.
Snape: That means he’s annoyed that he doesn’t get it. Granted, I wish I didn’t get it.
Severus sipped his drink and waited patiently. He knew better than to push him when he’s upset.
Tonks: [Lithping] How thenthitive of you, thnape.
“I was so close…So close…Then a huge pair of hands loomed up and grabbed Sirius in a deadlock.
Snape: In a deadlock? That’s a lovely malapropism.
Tonks: That big heavy thing used to close doors?
Remus: That’s a deadbolt.
His hands just slipped out of mine. The owner of the hands looked up at me with such malice…It was…It was Voldemort…”
Tonks: dun Dun dun, dramatic reverb.
Sirius: Who says that? The owner of the hands? Seriously.
He couldn’t continue. He buried his face in his hands
Tonks: Which he owned.
Sirius: Nah, he borrowed them from a friend.
and his shoulder trembled as he cried. Severus remained where he was as he looked at Harry. He had to admit, he felt a little sorry for him.
Snape: [Cackles] Are you kidding?
Sirius: No, I’m Sirius.
Everyone: [Groans.]
His burden and fate had begun ever since he was a baby,
Remus: Begun ever since? This girl speak English good.
Sirius: Sadly this is one of the better written ones
barely able to understand the world around him.
Snape: But I didn’t care. I hated the kid.
Sirius: It’s hard to admit our feelings for others sometimes.
Remus: Um, you do realize that Snape actually liking Harry is worse than the alternative, right?
He had been abused terribly by the Dursleys, the only unfortunate relative he had,
Remus: Relatives, that needs to be plural.
Sirius: Remus, you need to stop worrying about the grammar. It’s really annoying.
Remus: Try it. It helps you ignore the storyline.
and had been revered as The Boy Who Lived, expected to live up his image. He had been through so much hardship (including having to bear with Severus’ snide attitude) throughout his years in Hogwarts and now he had to face both the death of his godfather he barely knew enough and the future battle with Voldemort.
Tonks: Dear God, that’s a long sentence.
Sirius: (grimly) A death sentence.
Remus: So many mistakes. So many things to ponder while I ignore the next three paragraphs.
Surely this boy had suffered too much.
Remus: Surely the English language has suffered too much at this girl’s hands.
Sirius: I agree completely, but don’t call me Shirley.
Almost suddenly,
Tonks: But not very suddenly.
Harry stood up and grabbed Severus by the collar.
Snape: He did not!
Sirius: Come on behead! I am so counting on beheading.
Remus: It would certainly help this story end sooner.
Severus was taken by surprise and knocked down onto the bed.
Snape: He was not!
Remus: I do not like where this is going at all.
Sirius: Looks like we’re rushing towards a completely different variety of head.
Tonks: Looks like things are coming to a head.
Sirius: Behead. Please be head.
Snape: If you weren’t already dead…
His drink dropped onto the floor with a loud crash of glass.
Tonks: Liquor, of no variety, is made from broken glass.
Remus: Um, Tonks, I’m fairly certain that it was the glass that crashed.
Tonks: Yeah, when he spilled his drink. Who drinks broken glass?
He soon found himself staring at Harry’s striking tear-filled green eyes.
Sirius: Instead of Harry’s limpid purple ones.
“Potter, what is the meaning of…”
Sirius: Life?
Tonks: Adding an infusion of dragon’s blood to a basic invigoration drought?
Snape: (reflexively) To keep it from losing potency when stored.
“It’s all your Dark Lord’s fault! It’s all his fault Sirius is dead!
Sirius: Actually, my dear cousin Bellatrix probably would have killed me just for shits and giggles, the bitch.
He was the only father I ever wished to have!
Remus: There is no love for James there at all.
Tonks: I used to wish Winnie the Pooh was my father.
Sirius: From the children’s books? You must have been very young.
Tonks: Fourteen-ish.
He was my only ticket to get away from the Dursleys! I would’ve lived a happy normal wizard life
Tonks: I think I read a Japanese comic book once called ‘Happy Normal Wizard Life’. It was weird.
if it weren’t for Voldemort! Why? Why can’t he just leave me alone? Isn’t it enough that he had taken my parents away? Isn’t it enough that he had given me this scar? Why does he have to take away everything that I own? Why? Why?”
Sirius: Well I think, and this is just a theory now, that he plans on killing you and taking over the world. It’s not personal.
Remus: The pluperfect tense isn’t remotely appropriate here.
“There is no need to take it out on me, Potter. Now get off me before it’s 50 points from…” Severus tried to get up but he was pinned back down on the bed.
Snape: He was not!
Remus: Denial is kind of sad.
Tonks: And unproductive.
Sirius: Well unproductive is better than reproductive!
Snape: Oh Jesus.
“I hate you! I hate you and all the Death Eaters linked to him! I hate Voldemort! I hate him! I hhate him! I HATE HIM!”
Remus: I’m really glad to hear that. I was worried he’d never get of his ‘liking Voldemort’ phase.
Sirius: Terribly awkward, fancying one’s mortal enemy.
Before Severus could react, Harry started ripping off the lower half of his clothes,
Snape: Ah! No he didn’t!
Tonks: This is what you get for pooh poohing my knocking door theory.
Remus: (weakly) I, for one, wish it had been the door.
exposing the pale skin and his long member. He planted a deep kiss in him and continued to take off the rest of Severus’ clothing, including his own.
Tonks: Why is Snape wearing Harry’s clothing?
Sirius: What?
Tonks: It says right there, “[Harry] continued to take off the rest of Severus’ clothing, including his own.”
Snape: (deadpan) Because I like to wear Harry Potter’s socks. They make me feel pretty. Will you shut up now?
Severus tried to pry him away from his kiss but Harry had let most of his dead weight on him.
Sirius: Wow, as soon as the sex stuff starts the grammar grows increasingly incomprehensible.
Remus: You can tell?
He had to get him off! He had to get him away from him! He had to make him stop, before…
Snape: Before the kettle boiled over.
Sirius: Before someone walked past the door they neglected to shut and saw them.
Tonks: Before he kills again!
Remus: Quiet, things are really coming to a head now.
Harry suddenly let go. He looked at Severus with those pair of innocent,
Tonks: Innocent? I really don’t think sexual assault is an innocent thing…
surprised and inquisitive eyes he had when he first saw him in the Great Hall.
Sirius: I thought he had striking tear-filled green eyes.
Remus: He does. These are the ones he breaks out for special occasions.
It soon melted into an apologetic understanding.
Tonks: And got sticky all over everything.
Severus held his breath. His secret has been discovered.
Snape: This is absurd. I can’t read this.
Sirius: Aw, is it a little close to home?
He looked away, slightly embarrassed. He didn’t notice Harry’s I-didn’t-know look on his face.
Remus: Alright, now she’s just making up adjectives.
He didn’t want to face him.
Sirius: (snickering) That shouldn’t be a problem, you don’t usually.
Snape: Do you have a lot of experience in that area, Black?
Sirius: Hey, I was in prison for a while.
It was bad enough to be found by the very person he didn’t wish to be found. His pride was gone. All gone.
Snape: Well, she’s not wrong on every count.
Tonks: I’m just glad Remus isn’t in the awful story.
Remus: Don’t say that! Do you want to jinx me?
Tonks: Only kinda.
Sirius: Are all women this creepy, Tonks, or just you and the author?
Slowly Harry took his chin and turned his face towards him. He had a sad smile on his lips as his green eyes stared deep into his tunnel-dark ones. His lips came again.
Snape: His lips did what?
Tonks: He must be awfully good at transfigurations to manage that.
This time it wasn’t that hate-with-a-passion kiss,
Remus: Stop making up adjectives! You're abusing the poor little hyphens.
but more of a softer, seductive brush before advancing deeper. As they continued kissing, Severus felt Harry’s hand traveling along his thighs.
Snape: I need to kill myself. I really, really need to kill myself.
Tonks: I don’t know, I think it’s kind of funny.
Sirius: That would be the hereditary madness presenting.
He felt his legs being opened and lifted as Harry’s kisses advanced to his ear and neck. Severus let out a moan when Harry nibbled at his earlobe. He almost wanted to cover his mouth. Did he just moan?
Snape (as narrator): He did not. It was all a horrible dream and he awoke in a cold sweat. Silently he took the flask next to his bed and emptied it into a sink, foreswearing off strong drink ever after.
Sirius: You should talk to a doctor about these dreams you’ve been having.
Remus: It could be indicative of a more serious condition.
Tonks: Like latent pedophilia.
He didn’t think he’d do that. He never thought he could do that and feel so good about it, not since…
“I’ll be very gentle.”
Snape: Of course. Who the hell writes a story about this tripe?
Remus: Someone truly evil. I don’t think that we can fathom what a dark mind is responsible for this.
Severus bit his lips as he felt Harry going into him. Bringing them together as one. He tentatively let another moan escape his lips as Harry came in again.
Snape: My brain is trying to beat itself to death. It’s a fascinating experience.
Remus: Okay, I realize there are more obvious horrible things to point out but…
Sirius: (interrupts) Is this about grammar?
Remus: Well, actually I’m disturbed by rape presented in a positive light. There are grammar mistakes too, I just thought that at this point it would be like swatting flies while battling a lion.
He gripped ahrd
Remus: English is ahrd… so very very ahrd.
Sirius: And so is Snape, apparently.
Snape: I will fucking end you.
Tonks: The girl who wrote this, I imagine she had to take a lot of cold showers while she was writing.
on the bed sheet as he fought hard not to cry.
Snape: (disturbed) Who the hell gets off on this?
It was repeating itself again. History was repeating itself, although this time it felt pleasurable. He wasn’t supposed to feel elated about this. He was being raped. Raped by The Boy Who Lived.
Snape: (nearly sobbing) He was not.
Remus: (awkwardly) Um, there there. It’s going to be alright.
Snape: You’re not helping.
Sirius: Wait, Wait, history repeating itself? What? So Snape has apparently been raped by Harry before? And yet allowed him to come back into- what? What the fuck?
Snape: You’re not helping either!
Raped by the Gryffindor he had despised as soon as he knew of his name. He shouldn’t be feeling pleasant. He should be feeling violated. He should be feeling disgusted for even thinking that this was pleasurable.
Snape: You know, I was a death eater. I did terrible things. I knew people who did worse. Nothing we did, absolutely nothing, compares to this.
Sirius: (offhandedly) Crucio. Caesus. Imperio.
Snape: Oh, shut up.
Of all people, he had to be the one to discover the secret he hid so well even from them. The wretched people who got him into this situation. He should’ve just hexed Harry and send him off to his dorm and save this humiliation from happening.
Snape: Yes, he should have. He would have. In fact, that’s what he did.
Remus: (wistfully) We can dream.
But why didn’t he?
Snape: (miserably) Because God hates me.
Tonks: At least it couldn’t get any worse.
Sirius: You do know that saying that is a surefire way to make things get worse.
Tonks: Uh-huh.
Sirius: You bitch.
Tonks: [cheerfully] Uh-huh!
Harry brought himself in again. Severus couldn’t hold back—he let the tears fall freely and moaned louder.
Snape: (is trying to knock himself out by quietly, but forcefully, striking his head against the table)
Sirius: Don’t be such a crybaby.
The younger man whispered for him to let go, to let it all out. And that’s what he did. He didn’t care if he was drooling uncontrollably, he didn’t care if he was staining his pillow wet with his tears.
Tonks: I recognize the irrelevance at this point, but tears are just salt water. They don’t really stain.
Sirius: Ew, drool. What, is he supposed to be a retard or something?
Remus: Please, try not to be too offensive.
He just let go. For the first time, he moaned out “Harry” instead of “Potter”.
Remus: So, again, this has happened before, and last time Snape just moaned “Potter” the whole time?
Sirius: This is really, really funny.
Snape: I’m thinking of half a dozen interesting curses I can’t presently use on you.
Sirius: Oh no, Remus, he’s thinking bad thoughts at me!
He wrapped his arms around Harry and moaned some more, kissing his arms tenderly. Harry also called out “Severus” instead of “Snape” as he ejected his seed into him.
Tonks: It reads like furniture assembly instructions.
Remus: So, um, does he have like girls parts or was this all, um…
Sirius: Buggery?
Remus: Thank you for your tact.
Snape: I don’t know. I don’t want to know.
Breathless and spent, Harry pulled out and lay beside him, his face flushed. Severus had his hand over his eyes, not wanting to let Harry see them red and sodden.
Tonks: Sodden with what?
Snape: When did I turn into a barely pubescent girl? I don’t remember that.
Sirius: Turn into?
Harry reached over and cradled him in his arms. “Whose is it?” Harry whispered. Severus buried his face onto his chest.
Remus: (apprehensively) What is who’s now?
Snape: It’s not like it can get worse.
Tonks: Of course not! There’s not a single way this could get any worse at all. Nope! Not a one!
“Black…and Lupin…”
Snape: Well, I was wrong.
Tonks: Well, at least we know it can’t get any worse than it is now.
Remus: (whimpers)
Sirius: It stopped being funny! The funny went away.
Tonks: [cackling] No it didn’t.
________________________________________
END PART 1
