Today's horror du jour is what is referred to as a 'crossover'. This is where someone takes two wholly incompatible works of fiction and smashes them mercilessly together. The people who write these also spend a fair bit of their free time hammering square pegs into round holes and then soiling themselves... I would imagine possibly. But this isn't just any crossover, this is the most bizarre crossover this side of Rocky Horror Picture Show/Highlander. (yes, it exists. No, I will not link you.) What we have here is a House/Twilight crossover! If you just heard the sound of your own brain ripping in half then that meant you were sane when you started reading this. If you heard nothing other than the omnipresent mumbling of The Voices then there’s nothing to worry about.
Title: ‘House vs The Vampires’ (Oh, how creative for a title! Also, I think I studied that case back in my high school Civ class, BTW. That’s the one about how Kansas doesn’t have to teach kids gravity is real)
Summary: Alrighty, here we go. Alice and Jasper (comprising roughly 2/3rds of the interesting characters in the books) are hunting in the woods for food. There is some lively banter and Alice falls over like a statue made of diamonds.... er, I may have phrased that wrong. She falls over like an ordinary statue made of ordinary diamonds, not a living diamond being with statuesque physique and nitro-glycerine for blood. Then, jarringly, we see House acting like a dick. This is jarring not because of the dickishness but because House does not belong in a Twilight fanfic. Alas, this random scene reeks of foreboding for before the end of our journey the good doctor will encounter the *shudder* Cullens. I must make a small concession here. Carlisle is a doctor and he does have a legitimate reason to be a medical symposium where he could reasonably meet another fictional doctor. Still, that excuses none of what happens later.
Back at Casa Cullen everyone is busy emo-ing it up over the comatose twipire. Edward takes this opportunity to violate his sister's privace while she's unable to kick his pansy ass. When he reads her mind all he sees are her visions of the future. Finding this incredibly boring he instead mindrapes his sire.... er, I mean 'father'. When he does so he sees a familiar face, a face that was in his undead sibling's fever dreams. And (gasp!) it totally turns out to be House.
Rosalie dresses as a prostitute and kidnaps House. No, you didn't read that wrong. That happened. Moving on....
House wakes up in the mansion of vapid beautiful people and is, understandably, pissed. There are some jokes that are actually really funny as he finds that he is expected to cure what appears to be the corpse of a young woman. Also the Mormon values of the twipires are challenged by House's... erm, Houseness. He uses a sharpie and wallpaper as a whiteboard, he mocks the fagpires, and he references HHGG. Ingram (the 'author') even dares to write Bella as a character with horrendous flaws. It was a pretty well written bit and, for a moment, I thought that maybe this fic could be good. When I have such thoughts it makes me wonder if I should even bother gnawing through the leather straps anymore.
Anyhump, all my dreams of finding mediocrity amid a sea of shit faded rather quickly. Leah Clearwater imprinted on House. Yup. That's pretty much all I need to say. In fact, that's all I am going to say. Once a werewolf becomes inseparably connected to Gregory House then it's time to just step back, whistle impressedly, and walk quietly away hoping no one saw you near the scene of the crime.
What Made It Godawful: The two works being combined is pretty much the worst offense here. There could not be two more diametrically opposite works smashed together in a mad orgy of words. Twilight: ‘Twoo Wuv’ TM conquers all. House: Misery and loneliness are the status quo. Twilight: There is no chemistry between the alpha couple but they wind up ‘Happily Ever After’ TM. House: The protagonist has strong chemistry with several people (Wilson, Cuddy, Wilson, Cameron for a bit, Wilson) but always winds up in usually self-imposed isolation due to general ANGST and actual realistic problems. Hell, his last 'romance' turned out to be a hallucination and landed him in the nuthouse. I could totally go on for pages and pages but I’ll refrain. You get the idea, this is bad and wrong and puppies die due to its very existence on earth.
In the reviews no fewer than three people called her a ‘genious’. Also I learned something important about The Pit of Voles. 1 review in every 200 is sane. That’s right, there was a single bad review. I’m not saying that this is the worst thing I’ve ever read. It’s far from it, but crap is still crap. This isn’t bloody Tequila shit sprayed all over the only photograph you have of your dead mother. This is nothing more than your average turd, the sort you see most every day but nevertheless a turd. It won’t prompt screaming or angry mobs but that doesn’t mean you should show it off. Nearly 200 positive reviews, however, seem to differ.
What Made It Awesome: The characterization. House can be a hard guy to pin down but Ingram managed it pretty well. Also the autor wrote the Twilight characters better than Meyer did, not that it's a great feat but at least it's something. Truth be told it made even 'Nessie' almost likable. Each character had layers and motivation! Twilight characters had motivations! It was almost like a miracle.
Since I know everyone who had the misfortune to read the books is wondering how Nessie could possibly be awesome I present the following she remembers her mother’s unmoving body covered in blood as her father tried vainly to resuscitate her. Yeah. So, no matter how horrifying the concept of this fic is the implementation actually managed to be as good as anyone could possibly ask for.
Rating: *sparklesparklesparklesparkle*
Best Quote: “Aliens? Why are you watching Aliens?”
House held a finger to his mouth and made a shushing noise, before growling, “Just making sure this movie hasn’t been ruined for me.”
This is said by Bella to House, right after House 'saw' Nessie's birth. I don't think I need to say why this is hilarious.
Worst Quote: She looked at House like he was the moon, stars and the sun rolled into one being. She looked at House like…a Quileute who’d just imprinted.Just... no.
Link: Much Much Better Than Actually Reading Twilight
Final Words: Yeah, I read Twilight. So what? I'm still a badass. Plus there was that really awesome scene with all the blood and the devil baby. Reading that literally rendered me sterile... or maybe that was just the repeated descriptions of Edward's godlike visage. Whatever it was the book left me footloose and babyfree.
That was amazing. That is all.
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