Episode 4: Care Bears

Now we have a doozy. The Ducky non-con story, this is the one that tops it and tops it hardcore. Given a little perspective (read: heavy drinking and more badfic surfing) one realizes that it is almost a reasonable story. Dinosaurs are pretty bad dudes and Ducky might get into some trouble. After all she was still roughly in character and it was the character that was raped, not the canon. With a little imagination and a lot of booze you can see it happening. It’s not a huge challenge. I ask you now, can you see the Care Bears in a similar scenario? Still with me? Good. Can you see a Care Bear as the rapist and not the victim? Still with me? Good. Now, can you see the Care Bears gang-raping and generally abusing one of their own because they care? Still with me? Yeah, I didn’t expect so.

I don’t know how I found this abomination. I just opened my computer one day and there it was staring at me mockingly. At first I scoffed. I scoffed mightily. Surely it was a parody and if it wasn’t then, well, I survived Ducky rape didn’t I? Now I’m beginning to think that this is a punishment from on high. This is an omen that I never should have started this misguided little project as it will ultimately destroy me. Nevertheless I must go on with it because I've gone too far to turn back now, I have seen darkness and it must be shared.

Title: Slave Bear of Care-A-Lot

Synopsis: I-I’m not typing this. I can’t. I’m so sorry everyone, so, so sorry.

Alright, it’s a few drinks later and I think I’m ready to do this. Forgive the creator breakdown above, I just wasn’t drunk enough. So, our tale begins with Grumpy Bear. I had a Grumpy Bear teddy (not that kind of teddy, pervert) when I was little, I always liked him. So he’s woken up to discover that he doesn’t care anymore, damnit! We can all empathize with that, Mondays are universal. Lotsa Heart Elephant, Cheer Bear, and Champ Bear arrive to invite him to a picnic and he doesn’t want to go. This sounds reasonable to me but, then, I am not a Care Bear (thank God).

Swiftheart, one of the widely despised Care Bear cousins, proceeds to aggravate the shit out of Grumpy in order to cheer him up. Grumpy shows remarkable restraint in not strangling the damn rabbit but still maintains he does not care. It seemed to me that he cared a whole helluva lot about getting the rabbit out of his house but I don’t think that’s the sort of caring that is endorsed by the Care Bears.

Anywho, Tender Heart organizes an emergency meeting about what has to be done with Grumpy who now wants to move to San Francisco. They’re worried about their friend who is all alone and in pain. Tender Heart wrote to True Heart asking for advice and the reply pretty much sealed Grumpy’s fate. The letter reads simply: “The only thing I can suggest is a brutal monsterfuck.” Noble Heart agrees and gives an address.

Um, so, yeah. The Care Bears head out to the address which happens to belong to ‘Nina’s Leather Fetish Emporium’. CARE BEARS, DAMNIT, IN A FETISH STORE! Anyhump they meet Dark Heart there with Christy. This will mean nothing to you unless you know Care Bears as well as I do so I won’t elaborate. If you want to know so badly then read it for yourselves, you sick fucks. Dark Heart gives them a little bit of advice on their purchases and I am damn glad that the exact words were left conveniently out of the story. This is where is starts to get bad. My tummy hurts with nerves and too much booze.

Oh fuck. So, Grumpy Bear awakens tied (fuck, I don’t believe I’m typing this) to the ‘rape rack’. Funshine refers to him as ‘Slave Bear’ now and, it seems, so do all the other denizens of Care-A-Lot. Someone shoot me, please. He gets whacked with a riding crop covered in rainbow stickers and painted pink. He also gets gagged with a pink glittery ball gag. The Care Bears say things like ‘fuckslut’ and if I type this in detail then I will puke or start seizing so forgive the brevity. This entire bit is very long and simultaneously fucking marvellous and just Lovecraftian in its unnatural wrongness.

Grumpy awakes the next day in a much better mood and they have a big party! Yay. Tender Heart, however, is afflicted by the same bout of ‘not caring’ as Grumpy was. Well, I guess you can imagine what happens from there. Aw, don’t you love happy endings?

What Makes it Godawful: Those horrid Care Bear Cousins are in the story? What the fuck! No one likes the Care Bear Cousins, not even the Care Bear Cousins liked the Care Bear Cousins. Frankly this offends me more than any subject matter ever could. The writing is too good to let an error like this pass unnoticed. The inclusion of the Care Bear Cousins just proves to me that this is the work of a troll.

Also, in a totally different display of Godawfulness they cover Grumpy in syrup and marshmallow fluff. That may seems innocuous to the bulk of you but it’s my berserk button. First of all he’s a Care Bear and is totally covered in pastel fur. As if syrup isn’t sticky enough on regular skin! I hate being sticky. I can’t stand it. All of the myriad kink and childhood-ruiny-goodness didn’t really make me flinch but when I got to the syrup part I had to go and punch an old lady.

What Makes it Awesome: How about everything? There was no part of this I did not like (except the Care Bear Cousins and syrup). They’re flipping Care Bears and the idea of them doing anything remotely sexual squicks me beyond my breaking pout but that’s okay. This was well written, funny, and disturbing on a visceral level. I had to scrub myself after I read it just to wash all of the fic off of my skin and the soap to the eyes was well worth the pain. Upon my re-read (for this article, you bastards) I was even more impressed. I honestly wonder if this was written for parody or to be genuinely erotic. Either way it served my purposes exactly and I am grateful for that. This is the reason I got into the badfic business and it warms the very cockles of my heart to see a piece like this. I honestly do not think I could be more thrilled with a single piece of writing. The deliciously dark reinterpretation of the second Care Bears movie marks what is possibly the high point of all the badfic I've ever read.

Rating: I have got to give this a ‘Chuck Norris’. It manages to roundhouse kick you in the face, be totally awesome, and support Mike Huckabee all in one go. Alright, I have no idea if it supports Mike Huckabee but wouldn’t it be cool if it did?

Best Quote: "Secret Bear says - " Whisper. "Secret Bear says he's going to fuck you so hard your insides burst open and your small intestine falls out on the floor, and then he's going to jizz in it so hard your mom will feel it! And your grandma! He's going to rape your internal organs, kind of like that one passage in Lolita! Then he's going to cut a hole in your belly and bang you that way, bitchbot!"

Oh my God, there are so many fantastic quotes in this story. Friend Bear jizzes sunflowers, Lotsa Heart Elephant jacks off onto pizza, Bright Heart Raccoon invents an 'electrical discipline device'. This one, though, I had to pick it because it’s... well, you can read. My mind is blown, almost literally. I don’t think there’s anything I can say here that the quote doesn’t say for itself.

Worst Quote: "Secret Bear says - " Whisper. "Secret Bear says he's going to fuck you so hard your insides burst open and your small intestine falls out on the floor, and then he's going to jizz in it so hard your mom will feel it! And your grandma! He's going to rape your internal organs, kind of like that one passage in Lolita! Then he's going to cut a hole in your belly and bang you that way, bitchbot!"

Just as this is the best quote it also perfectly encapsulates the true horror we find here. Secret Bear, sweet little Secret Bear, says this. And he read “Lolita”. I don’t even think “Lolita” exists in the Care Bear universe.

Link: So, yeah

Final Words: I now accept this as part of the official Care Bears canon. If you ever see someone running from a stuffed Care Bear and screaming then you’ve seen me. That is all.