Now we have a doozy. The Ducky non-con story, this is the one that tops it and tops it hardcore. Given a little perspective (read: heavy drinking and more badfic surfing) one realizes that it is almost a reasonable story. Dinosaurs are pretty bad dudes and Ducky might get into some trouble. After all she was still roughly in character and it was the character that was raped, not the canon. With a little imagination and a lot of booze you can see it happening. It’s not a huge challenge. I ask you now, can you see the Care Bears in a similar scenario? Still with me? Good. Can you see a Care Bear as the rapist and not the victim? Still with me? Good. Now, can you see the Care Bears gang-raping and generally abusing one of their own because they care? Still with me? Yeah, I didn’t expect so.
I don’t know how I found this abomination. I just opened my computer one day and there it was staring at me mockingly. At first I scoffed. I scoffed mightily. Surely it was a parody and if it wasn’t then, well, I survived Ducky rape didn’t I? Now I’m beginning to think that this is a punishment from on high. This is an omen that I never should have started this misguided little project as it will ultimately destroy me. Nevertheless I must go on with it because I've gone too far to turn back now, I have seen darkness and it must be shared.
Title: Slave Bear of Care-A-Lot
Synopsis: I-I’m not typing this. I can’t. I’m so sorry everyone, so, so sorry.
Alright, it’s a few drinks later and I think I’m ready to do this. Forgive the creator breakdown above, I just wasn’t drunk enough. So, our tale begins with Grumpy Bear. I had a Grumpy Bear teddy (not that kind of teddy, pervert) when I was little, I always liked him. So he’s woken up to discover that he doesn’t care anymore, damnit! We can all empathize with that, Mondays are universal. Lotsa Heart Elephant, Cheer Bear, and Champ Bear arrive to invite him to a picnic and he doesn’t want to go. This sounds reasonable to me but, then, I am not a Care Bear (thank God).
Swiftheart, one of the widely despised Care Bear cousins, proceeds to aggravate the shit out of Grumpy in order to cheer him up. Grumpy shows remarkable restraint in not strangling the damn rabbit but still maintains he does not care. It seemed to me that he cared a whole helluva lot about getting the rabbit out of his house but I don’t think that’s the sort of caring that is endorsed by the Care Bears.
Anywho, Tender Heart organizes an emergency meeting about what has to be done with Grumpy who now wants to move to San Francisco. They’re worried about their friend who is all alone and in pain. Tender Heart wrote to True Heart asking for advice and the reply pretty much sealed Grumpy’s fate. The letter reads simply: “The only thing I can suggest is a brutal monsterfuck.” Noble Heart agrees and gives an address.
Um, so, yeah. The Care Bears head out to the address which happens to belong to ‘Nina’s Leather Fetish Emporium’. CARE BEARS, DAMNIT, IN A FETISH STORE! Anyhump they meet Dark Heart there with Christy. This will mean nothing to you unless you know Care Bears as well as I do so I won’t elaborate. If you want to know so badly then read it for yourselves, you sick fucks. Dark Heart gives them a little bit of advice on their purchases and I am damn glad that the exact words were left conveniently out of the story. This is where is starts to get bad. My tummy hurts with nerves and too much booze.
Oh fuck. So, Grumpy Bear awakens tied (fuck, I don’t believe I’m typing this) to the ‘rape rack’. Funshine refers to him as ‘Slave Bear’ now and, it seems, so do all the other denizens of Care-A-Lot. Someone shoot me, please. He gets whacked with a riding crop covered in rainbow stickers and painted pink. He also gets gagged with a pink glittery ball gag. The Care Bears say things like ‘fuckslut’ and if I type this in detail then I will puke or start seizing so forgive the brevity. This entire bit is very long and simultaneously fucking marvellous and just Lovecraftian in its unnatural wrongness.
Grumpy awakes the next day in a much better mood and they have a big party! Yay. Tender Heart, however, is afflicted by the same bout of ‘not caring’ as Grumpy was. Well, I guess you can imagine what happens from there. Aw, don’t you love happy endings?
What Makes it Godawful: Those horrid Care Bear Cousins are in the story? What the fuck! No one likes the Care Bear Cousins, not even the Care Bear Cousins liked the Care Bear Cousins. Frankly this offends me more than any subject matter ever could. The writing is too good to let an error like this pass unnoticed. The inclusion of the Care Bear Cousins just proves to me that this is the work of a troll.
Also, in a totally different display of Godawfulness they cover Grumpy in syrup and marshmallow fluff. That may seems innocuous to the bulk of you but it’s my berserk button. First of all he’s a Care Bear and is totally covered in pastel fur. As if syrup isn’t sticky enough on regular skin! I hate being sticky. I can’t stand it. All of the myriad kink and childhood-ruiny-goodness didn’t really make me flinch but when I got to the syrup part I had to go and punch an old lady.
What Makes it Awesome: How about everything? There was no part of this I did not like (except the Care Bear Cousins and syrup). They’re flipping Care Bears and the idea of them doing anything remotely sexual squicks me beyond my breaking pout but that’s okay. This was well written, funny, and disturbing on a visceral level. I had to scrub myself after I read it just to wash all of the fic off of my skin and the soap to the eyes was well worth the pain. Upon my re-read (for this article, you bastards) I was even more impressed. I honestly wonder if this was written for parody or to be genuinely erotic. Either way it served my purposes exactly and I am grateful for that. This is the reason I got into the badfic business and it warms the very cockles of my heart to see a piece like this. I honestly do not think I could be more thrilled with a single piece of writing. The deliciously dark reinterpretation of the second Care Bears movie marks what is possibly the high point of all the badfic I've ever read.
Rating: I have got to give this a ‘Chuck Norris’. It manages to roundhouse kick you in the face, be totally awesome, and support Mike Huckabee all in one go. Alright, I have no idea if it supports Mike Huckabee but wouldn’t it be cool if it did?
Best Quote: "Secret Bear says - " Whisper. "Secret Bear says he's going to fuck you so hard your insides burst open and your small intestine falls out on the floor, and then he's going to jizz in it so hard your mom will feel it! And your grandma! He's going to rape your internal organs, kind of like that one passage in Lolita! Then he's going to cut a hole in your belly and bang you that way, bitchbot!"
Oh my God, there are so many fantastic quotes in this story. Friend Bear jizzes sunflowers, Lotsa Heart Elephant jacks off onto pizza, Bright Heart Raccoon invents an 'electrical discipline device'. This one, though, I had to pick it because it’s... well, you can read. My mind is blown, almost literally. I don’t think there’s anything I can say here that the quote doesn’t say for itself.
Worst Quote: "Secret Bear says - " Whisper. "Secret Bear says he's going to fuck you so hard your insides burst open and your small intestine falls out on the floor, and then he's going to jizz in it so hard your mom will feel it! And your grandma! He's going to rape your internal organs, kind of like that one passage in Lolita! Then he's going to cut a hole in your belly and bang you that way, bitchbot!"
Just as this is the best quote it also perfectly encapsulates the true horror we find here. Secret Bear, sweet little Secret Bear, says this. And he read “Lolita”. I don’t even think “Lolita” exists in the Care Bear universe.
Link: So, yeah
Final Words: I now accept this as part of the official Care Bears canon. If you ever see someone running from a stuffed Care Bear and screaming then you’ve seen me. That is all.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Episode 3: Something Completely Different
No, it isn't Monty Python slash fiction (yet). I actually stumbled across something interesting and, dare I say it, good! Maybe I'm just too easy to impress after crawling through the literary equivalent of barbed wire and lemon juice. It's a 'Fern Gully' fanfiction written in the style and persona of a blatant and painful Mary-Sue. It mixes suisims with tongue-in-cheek humor very well.
Most people, when they write in Mary-Sue style for the purposes of mockery, do it very poorly. Yes, chat-speak, random plot happenings, and awful characterization are hallmarks of the genre but the majority of writers emphasize these too heavily while leaving out the over the top descriptions, baffling 'creative' choices, and OC-centrism that make bad writing so compellingly hilarious.
Most writers give us something like this:
"i luv u, Edwerd. We shuld get married and also Carlyle can sleep with us too becuz he is a hottie," panted Saphirre-Athena lovingly.
"I agre. After Bella dieded I thought i wood never love anither woman but you are even more beautiful and smart and not at al clumsy. Plus you are already a vampire so I don't half to turn you," Edward replied, hus honey colored eyes glinting in the sunlight so that they turned a vivid gold but not as gold as Sapphire-Athena's hair.
It's not funny. It's not good. It just hits the main points of what makes a Mary-Sure without capturing the charm. Yes, Mary-Sues have charm. Ms. Hill managed to give us a very clever and well done parody, something far more difficult than it appears.
Link: The Saviour
(And, yes, I wrote that little example in all of five seconds. I could have stolen one but stealing, though very cool, is also wrong.)
Edit: Someone I simply must mention in this particular article is Hans von Hozel. He is an amazing person, totally guilty of writing overly simplistic parodies of bad fanfiction but, at the same time, a minor saint of Discordianism. He's good at being bad too but in a totally non-Mary-Sue way. One day I will write an entire article on him.
Most people, when they write in Mary-Sue style for the purposes of mockery, do it very poorly. Yes, chat-speak, random plot happenings, and awful characterization are hallmarks of the genre but the majority of writers emphasize these too heavily while leaving out the over the top descriptions, baffling 'creative' choices, and OC-centrism that make bad writing so compellingly hilarious.
Most writers give us something like this:
"i luv u, Edwerd. We shuld get married and also Carlyle can sleep with us too becuz he is a hottie," panted Saphirre-Athena lovingly.
"I agre. After Bella dieded I thought i wood never love anither woman but you are even more beautiful and smart and not at al clumsy. Plus you are already a vampire so I don't half to turn you," Edward replied, hus honey colored eyes glinting in the sunlight so that they turned a vivid gold but not as gold as Sapphire-Athena's hair.
It's not funny. It's not good. It just hits the main points of what makes a Mary-Sure without capturing the charm. Yes, Mary-Sues have charm. Ms. Hill managed to give us a very clever and well done parody, something far more difficult than it appears.
Link: The Saviour
(And, yes, I wrote that little example in all of five seconds. I could have stolen one but stealing, though very cool, is also wrong.)
Edit: Someone I simply must mention in this particular article is Hans von Hozel. He is an amazing person, totally guilty of writing overly simplistic parodies of bad fanfiction but, at the same time, a minor saint of Discordianism. He's good at being bad too but in a totally non-Mary-Sue way. One day I will write an entire article on him.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Episode 2: The Land Before Time
Hi, kiddies! Remember me, the person who posted that lame-ass Portal fanfic? That wasn’t very good, was it? Well, considering what I’ve stumbled upon this time that little vignette is going to seem very soothing indeed. I, for one, started clawing at my eyes and pleading for a Code Beige. What I got was beaten severely about the head and neck by someone with a personal vendetta against my childhood.
Remember ‘The Land Before Time’? That movie with the dinosaurs looking for The Great Valley? Littlefoot’s mother died and you cried. Yeah, you remember that. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of that movie? Perhaps you think of simpler times with a smaller more innocent you sitting on the floor in your socks and pyjamas, eating cereal straight out of the box, and watching the flickering screen from the safety of your pillow fort. Or, if you’re more like me, you remember watching the movie and wishing you were a dinosaur so that you could trample the non-believers beneath your mighty feet. Either way it’s a source of fond memories, unless the movie immediately makes you think of rape. In that case you’re pokeplayer984!
On a slightly sober note, Pokeplayer, I am sorry. I don’t know what happened to you or why you hate this lush and beautiful world of ours. Whatever it was, consider us square. I speak on behalf of all the peoples of Earth. We are sorry. Please, do not release a weapon of this calibre again.
Title: Ducky’s Torture
Synopsis: The story opens much the way you would expect a ‘Land Before Time’ fanfiction to open (provided it’s not on a furry website). Ducky, the swimmer, is sleeping soundly nestled atop the armoured back of her adoptive brother Spike. Aw, childhood memories! Alas and alack, this is not to last for long. Ducky (yep, yep, yep!) is snatched up by some unknown assailant, her bill held shut to prevent screaming. If you don’t like where this is going then, brother, you are not alone.
So, the abductor takes her to a remote cave and slaps her around a bit. Yeah, keep in mind that this is a dinosaur we’re talking about. He tells her that he has a little problem that needs taking care of. Now one begins to suspect that this guy is not exactly on the level. He tells her just to be quiet, lie still, and everything will be over soon. Oh yeah, and if she tells anyone then he’ll murder her whole family. THIS IS THE WORST BOOK REPORT I’VE EVER WRITTEN!
The he rapes her. Yeah, that happened. It’s described roughly from Ducky’s POV so it sounds like we’re seeing this through a very young child’s eyes (yup, yup, yup!). She’s, naturally, exhausted after such an ordeal and falls asleep in her rapist’s arms while he assures her that she’ll feel fine the next day and be happily returned to her family. The story ends on a decidedly ominous note calling the experience ‘the beginning of her pain’. I shudder to think what might have happened had Pokeplayer decided to continue this little... story. I feel bad calling it a story, it seems wrong. I like stories.
What Made It Godawful: Well, seeing my childhood effective penetrated by dinosaur cock pretty much describes the horror I witnessed here. That sums it up pretty well. Ducky’s childish ignorance, the constant descriptions of sensation, the blood and cum seeping out of her... parts. I weep, internet, I weep.
What Made It Awesome: It was all based on a dream. No seriously, that’s what it says in the author’s notes. Most of us, when we have dreams like this, drink heavily and tell no one. Maybe someday, in a moment when we’re held tightly by someone we truly love, we let slip that once we had a dream where Ducky from ‘The Land Before Time’ was raped. Then, of course, we weep while our lover whispers soft condolences to us and strokes our hair. Pokeplayer chose not to keep this a dark disturbing secret but unleashed it upon the world to wreak bloody chaos. I find this impressive. Frankly, I also find it impressive that someone had the testicular fortitude to write this without vomiting on their keyboard. I’m certainly due for a new one after all the MANLY TEARS I shed on mine.
Rating: I’m going to give this one a solid Gibbering Madness. I’m not okay with this. I am an open minded person and, hell, I’ve read some non-con that I liked. This I do not like.
Best Quote: “However, that moment of relief was short lived as the stranger’s appendix was pushed once again into the area between her legs.”
At least it’s kind of funny, you know, in a ‘Your sister Sandy died tragically in the desert’ sort of way.
Worst Quote: "Only a split second after the pressure had left did she feel something else. The feeling seemed to come from the area near her stomach. It felt like something was rapidly hitting the inside of her."
I'm really sorry, I think that this may have driven me insane. Can she feel sperm swimming inside of her? Is that what this wacky bastard is driving at? I have no idea and I pray I'm wrong. Let's move on, shall we?
Link: DO NOT CLICK HERE!
Final Words: I was, for a moment, reluctant to post this. First because it’s so soon after my flagship post and second because I genuinely fear I may never top this. Then I remembered two things. I’m awesome, I can post what I want when I want. Also, this is the internet. This is the home of ‘My Immortal’. I can find much worse than this. In fact, I’ve already found something and I don’t even have to touch the cesspit of Harry Potter fanfiction. Next time I’ll do another summary but, perhaps soon, I’ll try to write and MST. MSTs are harder but much funnier. Tata for now!
Remember ‘The Land Before Time’? That movie with the dinosaurs looking for The Great Valley? Littlefoot’s mother died and you cried. Yeah, you remember that. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of that movie? Perhaps you think of simpler times with a smaller more innocent you sitting on the floor in your socks and pyjamas, eating cereal straight out of the box, and watching the flickering screen from the safety of your pillow fort. Or, if you’re more like me, you remember watching the movie and wishing you were a dinosaur so that you could trample the non-believers beneath your mighty feet. Either way it’s a source of fond memories, unless the movie immediately makes you think of rape. In that case you’re pokeplayer984!
On a slightly sober note, Pokeplayer, I am sorry. I don’t know what happened to you or why you hate this lush and beautiful world of ours. Whatever it was, consider us square. I speak on behalf of all the peoples of Earth. We are sorry. Please, do not release a weapon of this calibre again.
Title: Ducky’s Torture
Synopsis: The story opens much the way you would expect a ‘Land Before Time’ fanfiction to open (provided it’s not on a furry website). Ducky, the swimmer, is sleeping soundly nestled atop the armoured back of her adoptive brother Spike. Aw, childhood memories! Alas and alack, this is not to last for long. Ducky (yep, yep, yep!) is snatched up by some unknown assailant, her bill held shut to prevent screaming. If you don’t like where this is going then, brother, you are not alone.
So, the abductor takes her to a remote cave and slaps her around a bit. Yeah, keep in mind that this is a dinosaur we’re talking about. He tells her that he has a little problem that needs taking care of. Now one begins to suspect that this guy is not exactly on the level. He tells her just to be quiet, lie still, and everything will be over soon. Oh yeah, and if she tells anyone then he’ll murder her whole family. THIS IS THE WORST BOOK REPORT I’VE EVER WRITTEN!
The he rapes her. Yeah, that happened. It’s described roughly from Ducky’s POV so it sounds like we’re seeing this through a very young child’s eyes (yup, yup, yup!). She’s, naturally, exhausted after such an ordeal and falls asleep in her rapist’s arms while he assures her that she’ll feel fine the next day and be happily returned to her family. The story ends on a decidedly ominous note calling the experience ‘the beginning of her pain’. I shudder to think what might have happened had Pokeplayer decided to continue this little... story. I feel bad calling it a story, it seems wrong. I like stories.
What Made It Godawful: Well, seeing my childhood effective penetrated by dinosaur cock pretty much describes the horror I witnessed here. That sums it up pretty well. Ducky’s childish ignorance, the constant descriptions of sensation, the blood and cum seeping out of her... parts. I weep, internet, I weep.
What Made It Awesome: It was all based on a dream. No seriously, that’s what it says in the author’s notes. Most of us, when we have dreams like this, drink heavily and tell no one. Maybe someday, in a moment when we’re held tightly by someone we truly love, we let slip that once we had a dream where Ducky from ‘The Land Before Time’ was raped. Then, of course, we weep while our lover whispers soft condolences to us and strokes our hair. Pokeplayer chose not to keep this a dark disturbing secret but unleashed it upon the world to wreak bloody chaos. I find this impressive. Frankly, I also find it impressive that someone had the testicular fortitude to write this without vomiting on their keyboard. I’m certainly due for a new one after all the MANLY TEARS I shed on mine.
Rating: I’m going to give this one a solid Gibbering Madness. I’m not okay with this. I am an open minded person and, hell, I’ve read some non-con that I liked. This I do not like.
Best Quote: “However, that moment of relief was short lived as the stranger’s appendix was pushed once again into the area between her legs.”
At least it’s kind of funny, you know, in a ‘Your sister Sandy died tragically in the desert’ sort of way.
Worst Quote: "Only a split second after the pressure had left did she feel something else. The feeling seemed to come from the area near her stomach. It felt like something was rapidly hitting the inside of her."
I'm really sorry, I think that this may have driven me insane. Can she feel sperm swimming inside of her? Is that what this wacky bastard is driving at? I have no idea and I pray I'm wrong. Let's move on, shall we?
Link: DO NOT CLICK HERE!
Final Words: I was, for a moment, reluctant to post this. First because it’s so soon after my flagship post and second because I genuinely fear I may never top this. Then I remembered two things. I’m awesome, I can post what I want when I want. Also, this is the internet. This is the home of ‘My Immortal’. I can find much worse than this. In fact, I’ve already found something and I don’t even have to touch the cesspit of Harry Potter fanfiction. Next time I’ll do another summary but, perhaps soon, I’ll try to write and MST. MSTs are harder but much funnier. Tata for now!
Flagship Episode: Portal
Today, on a mere whim, I chose to launch this vile little project. Perhaps one day historians will look back on this moment and note it as the day mankind fell into a sharp decline or perhaps I alone will look back and and remember it as the day I shouldn't have eaten an entire tin of Altoids. Regardless I, Little Mister Grin, am proud (sorta) to present episode 1 (not to be confused with the other Episode One, which is godawful in its own right) of Godawful Fanfiction and Other Things I Like.
I made my selection for today's study by pulling up The Pit of Voles (fanfiction.net to the uninitiated) and was first asked to pick a category. Books seemed unwise as that would require the authors to actually be able to read and I am not looking for that specific skillset. I, likewise, considered TV Shows. True Blood is a new favorite of mine and perhaps some wide-eyed young moron finds it equally intriguing. But, no, episode 1 required something greater. It required Games fanfiction.
I clicked on the blue link. My innocent mind was flooded by the idea of thrilling Scrabble or Jenga fanfiction, perhaps even Risk. Imagine my horror when I discover all that resided on that dark page were tales from the realms of electronic or traditional gaming. Undaunted I plunged on, selecting Portal as my game of choice. Delighted by the compelling Companion Cube I imagined others might have taken my love for an inanimate object and transformed it into some thrilling tale of, mayhap, a swashbuckling Companion cube or a Companion cube that discovered the joy of delicious cake.
What I found instead, though this was probably because I clicked the first story and quit looking, was 'The Aperture Science Enrichment Center'
Synopsis: GLaDOS introduces herself (by the wrong name) to a Chell-esque lab rat named Aria. Now, I don't have my Mary-Sure Litmus Test handy but I think a name like that puts us into a definite danger-zone. As we move on with introductions and explanations (like, maybe three lines) I realized what I liked so very much about Chell. She was totally mute, mirroring her brother the exalted Companion Cube. GLaDOS gives her a portal gun and our protagonist whines. That's it, that's the whole thing. It's about a paragraph.
What Made It Godawful: It was nothing but a yappy Chell-a-like whining as GLaDOS handed her the portal gun and companion cube. There was none of the trademark charm or snark in everyone's favorite sociopathic OS (well, I guess some people still like HAL but they don't count because I'm too busy being cool.) I believe only one of the computer's amusing quips was butchered so I count that as a relatively low casualty rate. What really made it godawful wasn't poor writing or Mary-Sueness, it was length. The entire story was 221 words, not even reaching the word count of 'What I Want to Be When I Grow Up' by Little Mister Grin aged 8 and 1/2. I'm not saying that people need to pull a Tolstoy or anything but I think they should manage at least a page per chapter. At least then I can have something to properly poke fun at. Also needs moar Companion Cube, damnit.
What Made it Awesome: It wasn't long enough to cause me physical pain, though that actually makes it slightly less awesome. The ability to hurt a complete stranger using only text and a beloved storyline is a strange and terrifying power that many real life 'X-Men' possess. Most of the mutants are thirteen year old girls who seem to think that Harry and Snape ought to shag. There wasn't much I could go on to give this one awesome points. There was no hilarious sex scene, no meandering descriptions of clothes, and no humorous dialogue. It managed to be resoundingly 'meh' and I normally wouldn't have given it a second look.
Rating: Code Beige! Code Beige! Try to resist urge to nap or play 'Still Alive' for the umpteenth time.
Link: The Aperture Science Enrichment Center
Final Words: Anyway, getting on with it, this is only the first chapter. There may be more forthcoming and if there is more then I may possibly blog about it. Chances are I won't. See, I wanted to start with something nice and easy before diving headfirst into monsters like non-con slash or m-preg. It's roughly akin to riding a merry-go-round before letting a cyclops beat you in the face with the severed head of your lover. See you soon folks!
I made my selection for today's study by pulling up The Pit of Voles (fanfiction.net to the uninitiated) and was first asked to pick a category. Books seemed unwise as that would require the authors to actually be able to read and I am not looking for that specific skillset. I, likewise, considered TV Shows. True Blood is a new favorite of mine and perhaps some wide-eyed young moron finds it equally intriguing. But, no, episode 1 required something greater. It required Games fanfiction.
I clicked on the blue link. My innocent mind was flooded by the idea of thrilling Scrabble or Jenga fanfiction, perhaps even Risk. Imagine my horror when I discover all that resided on that dark page were tales from the realms of electronic or traditional gaming. Undaunted I plunged on, selecting Portal as my game of choice. Delighted by the compelling Companion Cube I imagined others might have taken my love for an inanimate object and transformed it into some thrilling tale of, mayhap, a swashbuckling Companion cube or a Companion cube that discovered the joy of delicious cake.
What I found instead, though this was probably because I clicked the first story and quit looking, was 'The Aperture Science Enrichment Center'
Synopsis: GLaDOS introduces herself (by the wrong name) to a Chell-esque lab rat named Aria. Now, I don't have my Mary-Sure Litmus Test handy but I think a name like that puts us into a definite danger-zone. As we move on with introductions and explanations (like, maybe three lines) I realized what I liked so very much about Chell. She was totally mute, mirroring her brother the exalted Companion Cube. GLaDOS gives her a portal gun and our protagonist whines. That's it, that's the whole thing. It's about a paragraph.
What Made It Godawful: It was nothing but a yappy Chell-a-like whining as GLaDOS handed her the portal gun and companion cube. There was none of the trademark charm or snark in everyone's favorite sociopathic OS (well, I guess some people still like HAL but they don't count because I'm too busy being cool.) I believe only one of the computer's amusing quips was butchered so I count that as a relatively low casualty rate. What really made it godawful wasn't poor writing or Mary-Sueness, it was length. The entire story was 221 words, not even reaching the word count of 'What I Want to Be When I Grow Up' by Little Mister Grin aged 8 and 1/2. I'm not saying that people need to pull a Tolstoy or anything but I think they should manage at least a page per chapter. At least then I can have something to properly poke fun at. Also needs moar Companion Cube, damnit.
What Made it Awesome: It wasn't long enough to cause me physical pain, though that actually makes it slightly less awesome. The ability to hurt a complete stranger using only text and a beloved storyline is a strange and terrifying power that many real life 'X-Men' possess. Most of the mutants are thirteen year old girls who seem to think that Harry and Snape ought to shag. There wasn't much I could go on to give this one awesome points. There was no hilarious sex scene, no meandering descriptions of clothes, and no humorous dialogue. It managed to be resoundingly 'meh' and I normally wouldn't have given it a second look.
Rating: Code Beige! Code Beige! Try to resist urge to nap or play 'Still Alive' for the umpteenth time.
Link: The Aperture Science Enrichment Center
Final Words: Anyway, getting on with it, this is only the first chapter. There may be more forthcoming and if there is more then I may possibly blog about it. Chances are I won't. See, I wanted to start with something nice and easy before diving headfirst into monsters like non-con slash or m-preg. It's roughly akin to riding a merry-go-round before letting a cyclops beat you in the face with the severed head of your lover. See you soon folks!
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