Flagship Episode: Portal

Today, on a mere whim, I chose to launch this vile little project. Perhaps one day historians will look back on this moment and note it as the day mankind fell into a sharp decline or perhaps I alone will look back and and remember it as the day I shouldn't have eaten an entire tin of Altoids. Regardless I, Little Mister Grin, am proud (sorta) to present episode 1 (not to be confused with the other Episode One, which is godawful in its own right) of Godawful Fanfiction and Other Things I Like.

I made my selection for today's study by pulling up The Pit of Voles (fanfiction.net to the uninitiated) and was first asked to pick a category. Books seemed unwise as that would require the authors to actually be able to read and I am not looking for that specific skillset. I, likewise, considered TV Shows. True Blood is a new favorite of mine and perhaps some wide-eyed young moron finds it equally intriguing. But, no, episode 1 required something greater. It required Games fanfiction.

I clicked on the blue link. My innocent mind was flooded by the idea of thrilling Scrabble or Jenga fanfiction, perhaps even Risk. Imagine my horror when I discover all that resided on that dark page were tales from the realms of electronic or traditional gaming. Undaunted I plunged on, selecting Portal as my game of choice. Delighted by the compelling Companion Cube I imagined others might have taken my love for an inanimate object and transformed it into some thrilling tale of, mayhap, a swashbuckling Companion cube or a Companion cube that discovered the joy of delicious cake.

What I found instead, though this was probably because I clicked the first story and quit looking, was 'The Aperture Science Enrichment Center'

Synopsis: GLaDOS introduces herself (by the wrong name) to a Chell-esque lab rat named Aria. Now, I don't have my Mary-Sure Litmus Test handy but I think a name like that puts us into a definite danger-zone. As we move on with introductions and explanations (like, maybe three lines) I realized what I liked so very much about Chell. She was totally mute, mirroring her brother the exalted Companion Cube. GLaDOS gives her a portal gun and our protagonist whines. That's it, that's the whole thing. It's about a paragraph.


What Made It Godawful: It was nothing but a yappy Chell-a-like whining as GLaDOS handed her the portal gun and companion cube. There was none of the trademark charm or snark in everyone's favorite sociopathic OS (well, I guess some people still like HAL but they don't count because I'm too busy being cool.) I believe only one of the computer's amusing quips was butchered so I count that as a relatively low casualty rate. What really made it godawful wasn't poor writing or Mary-Sueness, it was length. The entire story was 221 words, not even reaching the word count of 'What I Want to Be When I Grow Up' by Little Mister Grin aged 8 and 1/2. I'm not saying that people need to pull a Tolstoy or anything but I think they should manage at least a page per chapter. At least then I can have something to properly poke fun at. Also needs moar Companion Cube, damnit.


What Made it Awesome: It wasn't long enough to cause me physical pain, though that actually makes it slightly less awesome. The ability to hurt a complete stranger using only text and a beloved storyline is a strange and terrifying power that many real life 'X-Men' possess. Most of the mutants are thirteen year old girls who seem to think that Harry and Snape ought to shag. There wasn't much I could go on to give this one awesome points. There was no hilarious sex scene, no meandering descriptions of clothes, and no humorous dialogue. It managed to be resoundingly 'meh' and I normally wouldn't have given it a second look.


Rating: Code Beige! Code Beige! Try to resist urge to nap or play 'Still Alive' for the umpteenth time.


Link: The Aperture Science Enrichment Center



Final Words: Anyway, getting on with it, this is only the first chapter. There may be more forthcoming and if there is more then I may possibly blog about it. Chances are I won't. See, I wanted to start with something nice and easy before diving headfirst into monsters like non-con slash or m-preg. It's roughly akin to riding a merry-go-round before letting a cyclops beat you in the face with the severed head of your lover. See you soon folks!